Did I mention that I'm pregnant? Just a little over 39 weeks. I'm due May 25th.
It's a Boy!
I'm excited, and nervous.... and scared all balled into one. It's a roller coaster of non-stop emotions. I am happy... beyond happy, but I find myself crying at some point of the day, almost everyday.
I have so much going on in my life. So much I've been going through for so long. Un-dealt with and left to pile up. These last 4 years have been rough. It hasn't all been bad, but the worst of the worst has definitely consumed these last few years, this last year being the hardest for sure.... and I blame nobody. Life happens, and we make the best of it in the situations were in, and fall short in many other areas. We make poor decisions, but it's never the intention...
I think knowing that I am going to be a mom, in a very short period of time, has made me reflect a lot on the past... and what it's taken for me to get here. What I've endured to have this moment. To know that my whole life is about to change at any given moment, and sometimes I am so filled with self doubt, that I feel ill-equipped to go on. There are some days I feel like I can't even take care of myself, let alone this little boy that is about to enter my life. It's scary. But i know a lot of it is just nerves. I can do this. I can do anything. I've always done everything I had to, and gotten through things that I never thought would be possible.... and this..... this is a blessing. A life I created, that is all mine. No one else, but mine.
I think the hardest part in life, is growing up as a little girl believing that life will be a fairy tale. We're conditioned to believe that there's a prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet, and there's a happily ever after. There's always a happily ever after.... but they failed to mention that you gotta go through shit.... a lot of shit... to get there. They forgot to mention the work it takes... hard work at that to have that ending. But we all create what our own fairy tale is... we all have our own ideas and expectations. I think coming to terms with the fact that you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find happiness in the story you're actually living.... that's the real challenge, but once you can accept that, you can really start living.
Everything will fall into place, everything will be exactly what you need it to be... just be patient.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Oh how I miss....
Life is weird sometimes. I am a self journal-er. (Is that even a real word?) I used to blog long ago, back when I spent years beyond years on weight loss journeys. I'm sure, my blog from then is still floating around somewhere.
In all honesty, this is actually a blog I started probably sometime in 2015. At a much different stage in my life. I'm not much further along than I was then, and I'm still a hot mess.... but as I am currently cleaning out the clutter and dysfunction of my life I came across old, handwritten journals that made me miss the release i felt with blogging. I better understood blogging years ago....haha but I just need a little practice, and work on the editing and completing portions of my posts.
SO HERE I AM!
I opened this blog... I skimmed through the titles of what I used to write here. There wasn't many....maybe 5 or 6 posts....and without even opening them. I deleted them ALL. I couldn't bear reading the disappointments of my life back then. I know the space I was in then. Involved with an abusive man, who controlled the entirety of my being. Sigh..... when did I become so helpless and insecure? Abuse will damage you in that way... but one thing I am aiming for now is my new life.... the one I am creating, and plan to create from here on out.
As much as I want to believe I know it all and am perfect in my ways... I, sadly, know that I do not, and I am not. However, that doesn't mean by any means that I cannot become the person I was meant to be.... (with or without others).
I'm currently at a crossroads in life... a transition like no other, and instead of continuing to beat myself up over it, and all the dumb and stupid decisions I made, I've decided to live my best life, and take what I've done and learn from it. Put it into something positive, and more useful in life. Instead of being toxic ol' Debbie Downer me.... Sometimes when your continuously handed a batch of lemons, we don't always make lemonade... we let it sour our whole life and then we end up stuck. That's where I've been.... stuck!
Especially this last year.
I remember when 2018 ended, I remember watching the ball drop lonely at home, babysitting my 5 month old nephew, feeling sorry for myself, because it was just me and him in bed getting ready to go to sleep for the night, promising myself that 2019 was going to be different. It was going to be everything I hoped for. Everything was going to fall into place, and I was going to make it happen! HA! I fell victim to insecurity, and hormonal craziness, depression, anxiety, toxicity, and well here I am... almost 6 months into 2019... and just now, finally making a real and true effort into being who I said I would be. I can change anything I want.... and I'm finally changing my story... the book hasn't ended yet. Just that chapter.... and here is to the first of many changes, and updates as life continues!
In all honesty, this is actually a blog I started probably sometime in 2015. At a much different stage in my life. I'm not much further along than I was then, and I'm still a hot mess.... but as I am currently cleaning out the clutter and dysfunction of my life I came across old, handwritten journals that made me miss the release i felt with blogging. I better understood blogging years ago....haha but I just need a little practice, and work on the editing and completing portions of my posts.
SO HERE I AM!
I opened this blog... I skimmed through the titles of what I used to write here. There wasn't many....maybe 5 or 6 posts....and without even opening them. I deleted them ALL. I couldn't bear reading the disappointments of my life back then. I know the space I was in then. Involved with an abusive man, who controlled the entirety of my being. Sigh..... when did I become so helpless and insecure? Abuse will damage you in that way... but one thing I am aiming for now is my new life.... the one I am creating, and plan to create from here on out.
As much as I want to believe I know it all and am perfect in my ways... I, sadly, know that I do not, and I am not. However, that doesn't mean by any means that I cannot become the person I was meant to be.... (with or without others).
I'm currently at a crossroads in life... a transition like no other, and instead of continuing to beat myself up over it, and all the dumb and stupid decisions I made, I've decided to live my best life, and take what I've done and learn from it. Put it into something positive, and more useful in life. Instead of being toxic ol' Debbie Downer me.... Sometimes when your continuously handed a batch of lemons, we don't always make lemonade... we let it sour our whole life and then we end up stuck. That's where I've been.... stuck!
Especially this last year.
I remember when 2018 ended, I remember watching the ball drop lonely at home, babysitting my 5 month old nephew, feeling sorry for myself, because it was just me and him in bed getting ready to go to sleep for the night, promising myself that 2019 was going to be different. It was going to be everything I hoped for. Everything was going to fall into place, and I was going to make it happen! HA! I fell victim to insecurity, and hormonal craziness, depression, anxiety, toxicity, and well here I am... almost 6 months into 2019... and just now, finally making a real and true effort into being who I said I would be. I can change anything I want.... and I'm finally changing my story... the book hasn't ended yet. Just that chapter.... and here is to the first of many changes, and updates as life continues!
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