Life is weird sometimes. I am a self journal-er. (Is that even a real word?) I used to blog long ago, back when I spent years beyond years on weight loss journeys. I'm sure, my blog from then is still floating around somewhere.
In all honesty, this is actually a blog I started probably sometime in 2015. At a much different stage in my life. I'm not much further along than I was then, and I'm still a hot mess.... but as I am currently cleaning out the clutter and dysfunction of my life I came across old, handwritten journals that made me miss the release i felt with blogging. I better understood blogging years ago....haha but I just need a little practice, and work on the editing and completing portions of my posts.
SO HERE I AM!
I opened this blog... I skimmed through the titles of what I used to write here. There wasn't many....maybe 5 or 6 posts....and without even opening them. I deleted them ALL. I couldn't bear reading the disappointments of my life back then. I know the space I was in then. Involved with an abusive man, who controlled the entirety of my being. Sigh..... when did I become so helpless and insecure? Abuse will damage you in that way... but one thing I am aiming for now is my new life.... the one I am creating, and plan to create from here on out.
As much as I want to believe I know it all and am perfect in my ways... I, sadly, know that I do not, and I am not. However, that doesn't mean by any means that I cannot become the person I was meant to be.... (with or without others).
I'm currently at a crossroads in life... a transition like no other, and instead of continuing to beat myself up over it, and all the dumb and stupid decisions I made, I've decided to live my best life, and take what I've done and learn from it. Put it into something positive, and more useful in life. Instead of being toxic ol' Debbie Downer me.... Sometimes when your continuously handed a batch of lemons, we don't always make lemonade... we let it sour our whole life and then we end up stuck. That's where I've been.... stuck!
Especially this last year.
I remember when 2018 ended, I remember watching the ball drop lonely at home, babysitting my 5 month old nephew, feeling sorry for myself, because it was just me and him in bed getting ready to go to sleep for the night, promising myself that 2019 was going to be different. It was going to be everything I hoped for. Everything was going to fall into place, and I was going to make it happen! HA! I fell victim to insecurity, and hormonal craziness, depression, anxiety, toxicity, and well here I am... almost 6 months into 2019... and just now, finally making a real and true effort into being who I said I would be. I can change anything I want.... and I'm finally changing my story... the book hasn't ended yet. Just that chapter.... and here is to the first of many changes, and updates as life continues!
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